Letting Go

Being a mom is tough. Being a mom of two is tougher. Being an attachment parenting mom of two is toughest. I feel like the more I learn, the more mom guilt I tack on. You know, the whole "know better, do better" thing? Yeah, as soon as you know better, there's a whole lot more responsibility involved! Some days, I think ignorance must truly be bliss, but hey. It is what it is.

For instance, I know it's best for babies to be held as much as possible. That's their natural habitat. But when babywearing isn't really working out and I just need to eat, the swing or the bouncy seat come in handy. However, it is pretty hard not to feel bad when the baby falls asleep in it because I'm enjoying the peace and quiet too much to take her out, though. :/

Scenario 2: When the toddler is in a really bad mood and ONLY wants Mama to cuddle with her, that's usually fine! But when baby is the same way at the same time, somebody's gotta lose, unfortunately. And, man, saying no to either kiddo makes me feel like I'm losing right along with them, no matter which one it is.

Society puts so much pressure on moms, but not nearly as much as we put on ourselves. We expect ourselves to be able to be there for everyone 100% of the time, to make sure that everyone is always happy, at whatever cost to ourselves. We'll go all day without eating, a week without a shower. We'll use our own spending money on diapers for the baby or shoes for the older kiddos, and don't even get me started on how much sleep we surrender! It's a lot of sacrifice sometimes. It's all worth it, of course, but let's be honest - it isn't always fun.

Today, I'm accepting my humanity. I can't always be 100% of top of everything, making everyone happy.

So, I'm letting go of the "mom guilt" for forgetting to bring my toddler extra socks to wear after she ditched the ones she was wearing all day. I'm letting go of the mom guilt for leaving the baby asleep in her swing in the living room all night, while the rest of us slept in bed together. I'm letting go of the mom guilt for letting the baby cry for five minutes while I ate for the first time in ten hours. I'm letting go of the mom guilt for the facts that my kids have been in disposables all week, that my house is a wreck, my laundry isn't done, and my daughter ate a rice krispie's treat for breakfast.

It's okay not to be perfect. Letting baby cry for five minutes does not count as "crying it out," and she won't lose any brain cells over it. Rice Krispie treats are not very healthy and shouldn't be a diet staple, but it won't kill her to have one, once. Disposable diapers are not the very best, but in exchange for a sane(r) mom for a week.....maybe it's worth it.

I'm a good mom, I'm human, and I'm learning that the two aren't mutually exclusive. I'm letting go.

In Grace, I Find Peace

Last Thursday, Brandon and I watched a movie called “The Words.” It is about a man who publishes another man’s manuscript as his own. When he’s confronted about it (by the original author), his torment becomes clear and In one particularly emotional scene, he tells his wife “I feel like I’m going to break in half.” She looks at him and says, “Who hasn’t made a mistake?”

She’s right. Who hasn’t made a mistake? Who’s perfect?

Recently, I paid a woman to encapsulate my placenta and it did not go well. She broke the contract we signed, refused me a full refund, and quite possibly sent me another woman’s encapsulated placenta. I was angry. I felt taken advantage of. I felt I was owed some sort of vindication, something to make this “fair.”

In the movie, we heard the story of a man who had something precious taken from him, something that he couldn’t get back, something that was born though joy and suffering….something much like my placenta.

When he was offered compensation, offered recognition for his work, he refused. He said, in effect, that the young (fraudulent) author should value people more than this problem at hand, more than trying to make it right. He gave him an “out.”

Should he have been punished? Yes. Should the woman I paid to encapsulate my placenta have offered me a full refund? Yes.

I heard a quote once:

“Justice is getting what I deserve.

Mercy is not getting what I deserve.

Grace is getting what I don’t deserve.” (Cathleen Falsani)

I have been planning to sue the placenta encapsulator for the full amount I paid her, as well as damages. It would feel pretty good to have a judge tell her she was wrong…for a minute. But I have a feeling she already knows that she was wrong and her hearing it from someone else won’t get me my placenta back.

I’m not going to sue her. I’m not going to pay her to encapsulate any future placentas, nor will I recommend her or refrain from telling the truth when asked about it, but I will do my best not to hold any hard feelings against her.

I have been shown grace and mercy in my own life. Revenge belongs to God and the universe and if she truly does deserve punishment, I will not be the one to give it to her. That is not my place.

“We all make choices. The hard part is living with them.” – The Words

Some may see this as laying down and “giving up the fight,” per se, but in my heart, I know what is right for me. I’ve made my choice – I will value people more than this problem at hand, and in grace, I find peace.